1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,879 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,844 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,309 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:38,455 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,766 Meet Alana Fitzgerald. 12 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,102 How she got here is quite a tale. 13 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,645 And I'm here to tell it to you. 14 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:05,147 I'll tell you all about Alana. 15 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,607 And who am I? 16 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,402 I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy. 17 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,153 Do you really not know that? 18 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,738 And now to our tale. 19 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,825 It started innocently enough late last month. 20 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,791 Oh, Alana, this lesson has been a treat. 21 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,835 You were always the best student. 22 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:27,795 And you were always the only teacher in town 23 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:30,673 who didn't rest a hand on my knee while I played. 24 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,175 It's okay. I'm not a teacher. 25 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,635 Chris, go to your room. 26 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,847 Sure thing, Mom. Just one more sniff of Finesse. 27 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,105 As you were. 28 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,566 Alana, it's been five years since you graduated, 29 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,568 and still no college plans? 30 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,570 I still want to audition for Juilliard, 31 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:56,032 but I still can't afford the $1,200 application fee. 32 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,783 Oh, you're not gonna tell me you can't pay 33 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,660 the seven dollars for today's lesson? 34 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,287 'Cause that's our sandwich money. 35 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,040 Will there be sandwiches then, miss? 36 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:09,003 Peter, can I talk to you about Alana? 37 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,463 I have an idea. 38 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,881 You can talk about anything you want, 39 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,883 as long as you shout it over the Patriots game. 40 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,760 Critical third and seven for Mac Jones... 41 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,054 I just feel really bad for her. 42 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:19,639 You know, she's so talented, but she doesn't 43 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,432 have the money to apply to colleges. 44 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,267 - And it's a fumble! - Oh, no. 45 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:25,478 I know, it's sad. And that's where I think we can help. 46 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,648 - Somehow Mac Jones fell on it. - Come on, the clock is ticking. 47 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,108 Well, I just think we could hire her to help around the house. 48 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,401 You know, with the laundry, 49 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,320 driving the kids to school, all that stuff. 50 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,821 - ...for a touchdown! - Yes! 51 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,240 Thank you, Peter. I knew you'd understand. 52 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:41,118 Man, it just really sucks when you're playing from behind. 53 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:44,789 Exactly. That's why I'm so happy to help her out. 54 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,874 You know, I think we'll both sleep better tonight. 55 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,126 And the Patriots set up on defense. 56 00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,920 Go for the sack! 57 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,673 Well, you did agree to the Alana thing. 58 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,925 Mm, where's my clothespin? 59 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,761 This gross encounter sealed the deal. 60 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:01,180 And just like that, Alana was welcomed 61 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,099 as a member of our family. 62 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,938 Oh, that must be Alana. 63 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:11,273 What are you, the Amazing Kreskin? 64 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,527 Just open the damn door. 65 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,612 Ah! Welcome, Alana. 66 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,614 Oh, thank you, Lois. 67 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,366 Are you sure this is okay? 68 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,785 "Okay"? It's wonderful. 69 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,912 Come on, meet the rest of the family. 70 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,831 Now, of course, you know Chris. 71 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,833 Hi, Chris. Good to see you again. 72 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,751 And it will be good to see you again 73 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,754 through the bathroom keyhole. 74 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:36,382 That was not original to the house. 75 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,717 Hi. I'm Peter. 76 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,885 I enjoy middle-of-the-night hallway cereal. 77 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,680 I'm Meg. Don't touch my drum set, or you're dead meat. 78 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:46,016 No one had ever heard of Meg's drum set before this moment. 79 00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:49,311 Oh, Lois, you're so lucky to have such a beautiful family. 80 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,938 I didn't grow up with any of this. 81 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,690 Let me show you where you'll be staying, 82 00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,400 and you can get settled in. 83 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,402 Oh, there's plenty of time for that. 84 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,820 Let me get started on dinner. 85 00:03:57,821 --> 00:04:00,448 I was thinking tacos and nachos? 86 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,199 Well, sounds good to me. 87 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,451 What do you think, Peter? 88 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,661 I just arrived in my pants. 89 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,458 That night, we all ate tacos and nachos 90 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,960 that were so good, we stood and cheered. 91 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,879 We were the envy of the neighborhood. 92 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,464 Here, Joe. 93 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,675 Barely thawed trout and white rice. 94 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:23,763 This trout's the lucky one. It's over for him. 95 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,307 - What's that, Joe? - Thanks, Bon. Looks terrific. 96 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:32,271 Did you guys know you have a pool in the backyard? 97 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,523 It was just overgrown with grass and weeds. 98 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,400 Cannonball! 99 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,943 There's no water in it, though. 100 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,945 Llabnonnac! 101 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,822 Phew. That was a close one. 102 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,241 You know, Alana, I confess I wasn't sure 103 00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:47,953 how this was going to work out, but you've been terrific. 104 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,080 Uh, you're just too good to be true. 105 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,707 Too good to be true. 106 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,793 Like a single Jewish doctor. 107 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,045 Hello? Where are you? 108 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:59,381 Doctors can be girls, too, so shut up. 109 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:01,967 Yes, everything seemed perfect in our household, 110 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,845 but sometimes things aren't what they seem. 111 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:08,349 We'd been so conditioned into believing our mother's life was empty, 112 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,226 we couldn't even fathom the idea 113 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,019 that another person would want it. 114 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,522 It was a real All About Eve moment. 115 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:18,442 Or, if you're under 70, a real Single White Female moment. 116 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,862 Or, if you're under 50, a real Swimfan moment. 117 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:24,532 Or, if you're Black, the Beyoncé movie Obsessed, 118 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:27,034 which I haven't seen but hear real good things about. 119 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,994 Yes, Alana was a regular Lisa, 120 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,746 which is the character from Obsessed, 121 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,206 which I just looked up. 122 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,250 Stewie, eat your vegetables. 123 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:37,671 Okay, that's pretty good, but I'm onto you. 124 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,726 Oh, 8:15. 125 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,062 Well, that's much later than I usually wake up, 126 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:58,482 but at least I won't react like a character in an '80s mov... 127 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,568 8:15?! 128 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,002 I am so sorry. 129 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,879 I didn't realize how late it was. 130 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,630 You guys must be starving. 131 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,008 Wha... What's all this? 132 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,801 Oh, good morning, Lois. 133 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,386 I thought I'd let you sleep in. 134 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,513 Oh, that's nice. 135 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,390 - Where's Peter? - Oh, he's here. 136 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,642 He's just in the kid phase of the Mini-Wheats cycle. 137 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,437 The shrinking process was incredibly painful. 138 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,064 Mom, she made us eggs with falafel. 139 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:42,067 Or, as she calls it, "falafel à la Alana." 140 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,445 It's hard to say, but they're delicious. 141 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:47,531 I take adult-sized poops, but I have kid-sized parts. 142 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,450 I could die from this. 143 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:52,828 Yeah, that's-that's part of why I don't let Peter do that. 144 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,788 But you know what, I'm glad you guys 145 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,582 are all enjoying Alana so much. 146 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,083 Oh, she's the best. 147 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,211 In fact, Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring. 148 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,881 Wow, Meg, you're really good at this. 149 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,967 Yeah, I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how. 150 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,844 Hey, maybe after this, 151 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,596 we can get out the cribbage board 152 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:11,972 and work on our pegging. 153 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,849 I'm Mayor Wild West, 154 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,644 and my neighbor's kid had to explain this to me. 155 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:20,814 Guess, this week, it's church on Sunday and Wednesday. 156 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,567 But anyway, back to our tale. 157 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:25,986 The dominoes were falling one by one. 158 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:29,740 Especially Peter, who found Alana to be a sheer delight. 159 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,617 That will be more clear when you see 160 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,160 how she's about to be dressed. 161 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,829 Santa? 162 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,207 I can almost see your bum through your nightgown. 163 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,501 Any time Peter saw someone at 2:00 a. m., 164 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,211 he assumed it was Santa. 165 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,837 Alana? 166 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,506 What are you doing up so nipples? 167 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:48,133 Sorry, I was just cleaning out the freezer. 168 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,802 Okay, any Popsicles that say 169 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,762 "property of Peter Griffin" are mine. 170 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,598 Got it. You see anything else you like? 171 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:57,227 I can think of one or two things. 172 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,854 Did you enjoy your five-course meal? 173 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,399 I wouldn't consider an amuse-bouche 174 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,150 a full course unto itself. 175 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,194 I guess you're right. 176 00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,613 Hey, maybe we could split a Popsicle for dessert. 177 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:12,574 Yeah, sure, if any of them have your name on 'em, help yourself. 178 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:18,038 Hey, thanks for taking me to the dog park, Lois. 179 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,457 Well, now that we have Alana, I've got more time 180 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,335 to do stuff like this. 181 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,296 Can I be honest with you, Brian? 182 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,965 Hmm. That's what a woman says 183 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,675 before she trashes another woman. 184 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,970 I'm a little worried about Alana. 185 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,389 I mean, the kids seem to like her, 186 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:36,890 and she's good at her job, 187 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:39,268 but maybe a little too good, you know? 188 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,061 I don't know, she seems cool to me. 189 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,564 I mean, yes, I know, she's very sweet. 190 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:48,569 But sometimes I feel like maybe she's after something. 191 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,529 I just don't know what it is. 192 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,907 Well, maybe you're right. 193 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,076 I'll tell you what, I'll talk to Alana 194 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,328 and try to sniff out what's going on with her. 195 00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,747 Oh, thanks, Brian. 196 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,248 I'd appreciate that. 197 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,333 I'll tell you, I'm starting to wish I never... 198 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,669 Hired her! 199 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,381 Hey, sorry about that. 200 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,842 Well, looks like Lois is plenty threatened 201 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,970 by that new girl who moved in, I tell you what. 202 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,810 Wow. Dusting the den, huh? 203 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,188 You're really going the whole 8.2 meters. 204 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,231 - What? - Oh, sorry, nine yards. 205 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,150 I just read so many European authors, 206 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,902 I slip into metric sometimes. 207 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,654 Anyway, Alana, could you do me a favour... with a "U"... 208 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,907 And maybe do a little less housework? 209 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,951 Less housework? But that's why Lois hired me. 210 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:40,704 Well, I worry Lois might be feeling a little displaced 211 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,248 since you've been doing so much around the house lately. 212 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,167 Oh, I'm so sorry. 213 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,461 I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable. 214 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:50,297 Hey, maybe we should discuss this while I brush your fur. 215 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,174 Okay, I see what you're doing. 216 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,801 This kind of stuff may have worked with the kids, 217 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:56,345 but I kind of look out for Lois in a way that they don't. 218 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,348 And believe me, Alana, I can get pretty mean if I want to. 219 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,184 Oh, Brian, that's adorable. 220 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:05,020 And I love that you're so protective, but come on. 221 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,064 We all know you're just a big sweetheart. 222 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,483 And even if you were able to be mean to me, 223 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,235 I'd still be loving you. 224 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,362 Yeah, well... "Loving," you say? 225 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,908 - ♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪ - When? 226 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,827 ♪ Cloudy days or sunny ♪ 227 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:22,037 - ♪ Lovin' you ♪ - Are you sure? 228 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,997 ♪ That's a promise, honey ♪ 229 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:27,835 ♪ When your kiss can no longer pack a thrill ♪ 230 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,753 Nothin'. 231 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:33,924 ♪ I'll still be lovin' you ♪ 232 00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:36,552 - ♪ I'll be huggin' you ♪ - How? 233 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,930 ♪ Like a baby panda, kissin' you ♪ 234 00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,599 - Where? - ♪ On your old veranda ♪ 235 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,270 ♪ When your charm, dear, is absolutely nil ♪ 236 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:49,190 ♪ Yeah, I know, you'll still be lovin' me ♪ 237 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,026 ♪ Billin', cooin' ♪ 238 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,987 ♪ You, I'll keep pursuin' ♪ 239 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,156 ♪ Always lovin' ♪ 240 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,241 ♪ Hotter than a baker's oven ♪ 241 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,868 Get out of here! 242 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,245 ♪ This is true ♪ 243 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:05,122 ♪ Let no one deny it ♪ 244 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,332 ♪ I'll want you ♪ 245 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,418 ♪ Till I'm still and quiet ♪ 246 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:13,130 ♪ When my friends carry me across the hill ♪ 247 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,591 ♪ I'll still be lovin' ♪ 248 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,843 ♪ Turtledovin' ♪ 249 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:21,972 ♪ Still be lovin' you. ♪ 250 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,224 Wow, you've got some pipes. 251 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:27,311 But about Lois... I'm still worried she's unhappy. 252 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,897 Unhappy? What's there to be unhappy about? 253 00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:35,068 ♪ Every morning, every evening ♪ 254 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,613 ♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪ 255 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:41,200 ♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪ 256 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,410 ♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪ 257 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,662 Despite Brian's initial skepticism, 258 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,457 they sang 19 numbers from the American songbook, 259 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,000 and he was sold. 260 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:53,545 Alana's victory over our family was complete, 261 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:58,383 and Lois realized she needed to take matters into her own hands. 262 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,135 Oh, hey, Loni. 263 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,221 Uh-oh, she's trying to assert dominance 264 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,972 by creating a fake nickname. 265 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,016 I see you're giving a bath to the Stew-Man. 266 00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,476 She does it to me, too. 267 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:10,312 So, I was thinking, since you're so close 268 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:13,190 to making the $1,200 you need for Juilliard, 269 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,442 why don't I just throw in the difference for this week 270 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:18,612 and get you on your way, huh? 271 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:20,072 Thanks, Lois. 272 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,199 I'm so excited for you to spread your wings 273 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,326 and pursue your dreams. 274 00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,619 She wants you out of here. 275 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,579 This is so generous, Lois. 276 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,291 I'll be on my way first thing in the morning. 277 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,380 Okay, you're all done, little man. 278 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,173 All right, let's do backside first, 279 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,425 get the heavy lifting out of the way. 280 00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:44,179 Lois thought the $1,200 281 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,847 had gotten Alana out of her life, 282 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,016 but it was the other way around. 283 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,851 Here's $1,200. 284 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,604 I want Lois Griffin dead by morning. 285 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:58,819 Whoa. I can finally send my nephew to Juilliard. 286 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,153 He plays the melodica. 287 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,781 - Really? Is he any good? - You tell me. 288 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,993 He did the opening fanfare for 20th Century Fox. 289 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,401 Good morning, Chris. Good morning, Meg. 290 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,611 Good morning, Loi... Lois?! 291 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,323 My clothes were in the wash, 292 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,575 so I borrowed your clothes and Peter's bra. 293 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,994 Boy, my morning jog was murder. 294 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,663 But, Alana, why is your hair red? 295 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,248 I decided to dye it. 296 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,083 I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan. 297 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,501 Well, that doesn't add up. 298 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,587 No one is a huge Kathy Griffin fan. 299 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:02,132 I beg to differ. Sometimes comedy is just energy. 300 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,094 And who cut my head out of these family photos? 301 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,763 Sorry, that was me. 302 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,182 Alana and I did some scissoring last night. 303 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,642 Is that so? 304 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,479 Oh, we were just having a little fun and got carried away. 305 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,689 Tell you what, I'll fix all the pictures 306 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,983 as soon as I get back from doing the groceries. 307 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,071 I do the groceries, Alana. 308 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:26,573 You won't like me when I'm groceries. 309 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,202 When I get back from the market, 310 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,621 I think it's best if you're gone. 311 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,415 I understand. 312 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,877 And don't worry, Lois. 313 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:43,131 After today, I promise you will never see me again. 314 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,182 All right, let's check the grocery list. 315 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:55,227 Dozen eggs, orange juice, bread, 316 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,396 and one Sara Lee cheesecake I will take 317 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,481 tiny finger pinches of all the way home 318 00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:01,525 and then throw in the outside trash. 319 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,362 Oh, God, I love shopping! 320 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,199 What's this? 321 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,535 "Newer"? "Fancier"? 322 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,582 What the hell? 323 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,876 All they sell here is rope and body bags? 324 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,711 I... Uh-oh. 325 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,010 You guys, I just found this note from Mom. 326 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,471 "Dear family, I've decided to leave you all 327 00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,140 and become a lesbian." 328 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:34,683 Wait, we can just do that? 329 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,685 Dad, how did this happen? 330 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,186 I blame myself. 331 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,605 Because of my fat, I can't be on top. 332 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,524 The whole family was so alarmed 333 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,526 that no one noticed Alana at the piano 334 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,695 practicing Lois's part of the theme song. 335 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:50,532 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 336 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,994 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 337 00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,375 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 338 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,844 Stop! Why are you doing this?! 339 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:13,013 Is this related to the virtual stranger 340 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:16,016 I let take over my life and family this past week? 341 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:17,934 - Please! - Shut up. 342 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,436 We're taking you to die. 343 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,980 - Well, are we there yet? - No. 344 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,649 - Are we there yet? - No! God. 345 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,610 - Just give her the iPad. - No. 346 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,445 The book says kidnap victims are getting 347 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,238 too much screen time these days. 348 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,074 They bond with the iPad, not with us. 349 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,918 Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 350 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,503 - Yeah? - Please. 351 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,254 Please don't let two white women 352 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:48,757 make a podcast about my disappearance. 353 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,599 Kids, now that your mother is gone, 354 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,060 I want you to be prepared for a lot of pee 355 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:02,062 on the floor next to the toilet. 356 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,314 This is a speech no father should ever 357 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,024 have to give his children. 358 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,317 I don't think you guys understand 359 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,027 what a huge loss this is. 360 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,238 Oh, I fully understand, Brian. 361 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,865 Lois is an angel. She's my soul mate. 362 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:17,077 There's never been another Lois, and there never will be. 363 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,870 Not for me. 364 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,789 She's irreplaceable. 365 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,042 Hey, Dad, what's for dinner tonight? 366 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,548 And so we return to where we began: 367 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,551 with Alana and her rather twisted path to the altar. 368 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:44,062 It's a very logistically kooky church. 369 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,815 We have gathered today suspiciously quickly 370 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:49,693 to celebrate the union of this man and this woman. 371 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,071 Now, before we begin, let me just say that yes, 372 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,950 I am the priest from YouTube who plays the guitar. 373 00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:58,702 Pretty cool priest. 374 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:01,329 You can also catch me playing Fortnite on Twitch. 375 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,915 Now, I understand Peter has written his own vows. 376 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,585 - Oh, no! - Yes, I have. 377 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,962 And I'm definitely not just reusing the vows 378 00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:12,048 I said to Lois when we got married in the late '90s. 379 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,593 "Dear Lois: Whassup? 380 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,428 "You're the love of my life. 381 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,929 Yada yada yada, I'm hungry." 382 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,015 Unless anyone has a reason why these two 383 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:22,267 should not be married, I hereby... 384 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,856 Wait! Stop! 385 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,861 What is this? 386 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,571 In all my years as a cool priest, 387 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,031 I've never seen such a commotion 388 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,657 at Our Lady at the Bottom of the Hill. 389 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,243 This woman tried to take over my life 390 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,911 and murder me and... 391 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,205 Oh, my God, you're the guitar priest. 392 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,291 Oh, boy, not this. 393 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,585 This is the last thing I wanted. 394 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,379 Okay, now, who here knows "Jumper"? 395 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,673 This is a very serious accusation. 396 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,134 - Is it true, Alana? - I... 397 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,761 I'm sorry, Lois. 398 00:18:57,762 --> 00:19:00,388 I just wanted your life so badly. 399 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,182 I've never seen a man love his wife 400 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,725 as much as Peter loves you. 401 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,727 God, you need to get out more. 402 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,521 And your beautiful children and your dog. 403 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,190 The baby, I never liked. 404 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,775 Well, I was onto you, so... 405 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,443 That's not why. 406 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:15,236 And you were gonna marry her? 407 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,613 I'm sorry, Lois. 408 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,573 The only things I liked about Alana 409 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,325 was the stuff she stole from you. 410 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,953 But who needs her when I got the genuine article right here? 411 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:26,373 I guess what I'm trying to say is: 412 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,458 What's for dinner? 413 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,502 Oh, Peter. 414 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:34,464 ♪ I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend ♪ 415 00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:37,217 You're under arrest, Miss Fitzgerald. 416 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,886 Come on, you're coming with me. 417 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:44,141 ♪ I would understand ♪ 418 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,687 ♪ I would understand... ♪ 419 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,899 This is probably, like, my favorite arrest! 420 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,744 Thanks for agreeing to see me, Lois. 421 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,413 Mm-hmm. Get on with it. 422 00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,915 What I did was unforgivable. 423 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:10,959 I've had a lot of time to think about things. 424 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,836 You have nothing but time in prison. 425 00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,921 - Really? - I know it sounds crazy, 426 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:17,132 but I miss the sound of those kids' feet 427 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,342 running to wake me up at 6:00 in the morning. 428 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:20,927 Wh-When do you wake up? 429 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,012 I don't know, whenever they serve breakfast. 430 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,848 "They"? "Serve"? 431 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,809 I guess you don't have to cook for yourself in here, huh? 432 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,602 You're not allowed to. 433 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,937 I want to switch. 434 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,355 Wrap it up, ladies. 435 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,816 Inmate, you're gonna be late for your knitting class. 436 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,026 Knitting class? What stitch? 437 00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,611 All of them, I guess? 438 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,906 I want to switch. I want to switch. 439 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,367 I want to switch! 440 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,953 And here ends our tale of... 441 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,705 Chris, Chris, what are you doing? 442 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,790 Dad said I can do voice-over, too. 443 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,751 Ugh, fine, you know what? You do it. 444 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,794 I'm Chris Griffin, and I once saw 445 00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:56,880 a film called All About Beave, 446 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,882 and it was nothing like this. 447 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,968 Good night, everybody.